Rant warning: Im old. Im an old woman and Im clearly out of touch with the rest of the world so take this rant as such. I realized this finally, new years night 2020 while flipping through the channels to all the NYE live shows while drinking a very good Sancerre.

Instead of the usual Times Square metal people-barricades, there were little “pens” with planet fitness logos all over them for the few VIPs who were allowed in. Times square was basically empty except for those 8 guys paid to don the Planet Fitness gear and wave their PF swag around in the cold.

I usually spend new years eve and new years day watching the Twilight Zone marathons and then switch to the “ball drop” right before midnight. But I do remember growing up watching the Dick Clark special. It was music and people in Times Square and fun till the big count down. We liked the show back then, didn’t we?Thursday night, I started with the “Dick Clark” special and just couldn’t do it for more than a few moments at a time. Lets start with the sponsor, Planet Fitness.

Ok, we are in a pandemic so instead of happy New Yorkers and partiers from all over the world, we settled for a larger field of inflatable PF “fitness” noodles flapping in the cold wind with their logos a-blazing. Certainly none of the people who actually LIVE in NYC would be allowed to attend, after all, it is their city. We were told by Mayor de Blasio that it wasn’t safe and people should stay home. Irony was not lost when we were later treated to watching him and his wife sharing a giant stage and slow dancing at their own little private NYE party, Planet Fitness air noodles in attendance.

Switching over to Fox, I was looking for Steve Harvey who is usually hilarious but instead got 2 guys Ive never heard of. Who are Joel McHale and Ken Jeong anyway, and why were they on my television? They were doing this odd thing where every bad joke was clapped at by guest “stars” beamed in from other locations, perhaps because no one live would have clapped? I dunno.JLo who is pretty awesome did a good job but does she ALWAYS have to take a run at the stage and slide her crotch directly into the cameras? Maybe. Maybe she does. Her costumes were cool but what was that silver thing on her head? A cage? A ball? Im old.

I love Cyndi Lauper but holyshit her singing was so awful I had to mute the sound! It was a train wreck so bad, I didn’t want to watch it, not even in slow motion. A tragedy in one part. Cyndi is now older than we are and has clearly lost when it comes to pitch. Maybe Cyndi’s performance was the one 2020 deserved.

Of course, we had to have the freshly scrubbed Bidens do their schtick from their basement because, of course. Here is a man who claims he got more votes than the most popular President in recent memory, (Barack Obama) while being unable to draw more than 17 people at a time in any major city. I think it was a perfect, appropriate and telling sign that their NYE confetti popper was a dud. It reminded us all of when we awkwardly, cringingly looked away all year when Biden mumbled and bumbled to massive campaign crowds of 6 and 7.

But, here we are. Flipping back and forth several times, I came back to see someone called, “Megan Thee Stallion” prancing around in nothing but a flesh colored bodysuit. The “show” amounted to us seeing her constantly rub her lady bits, peer into the camera, grind and lick her fingers. Its a no.

Over on CNN everything seemed to be in order with the usual Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen drinking heavily and trying to be festive so we could forget our not insignificant 2020 troubles. While they have been funny in the past, they seemed desperate to appear happy that night. They spent the evening slamming shots, making faces and chatting with Snoop Dog about all the public places he has gotten high. Martha Stewart was no where in sight.

When “Tiger King” Carol Baskin popped up with a stuffed tiger, I had to take a break, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I did like seeing Patti LaBelle in her kitchen, so there was that.

On an only slightly higher note, we saw Mariah Carey faking a smile during an interview while hearing JLo singing in the background. Well, that was uncomfortable. Then it went downhill when Mariah forgot the words to Auld Lang Syne because, well, it was 2020 after all.

Flipping again, to see the Dick Clark show in New Orleans, we are treated to someone commanding the stage named Big Freedia. A quick google search showed that she actually is from New Orleans which is a plus. I was pleased to learn that she doesn’t care which pronoun is used to refer to her- nor do I. She was born “Freddie Ross” and learned to sing in the church choir. Let me say that Ive experienced many a fun evening watching a good drag show so I appreciated Freedia, all 6’4” of her towering over the stage but again, watching this made me feel like I was an alien watching from another planet.

I get it. Im old. The world has moved on and I have not. I suppose its time for me to retire the TV and learn cross stitch or do puzzles but hey, at least I had good champagne and we get to start all over again for 2021.