Shopping last Friday for something simple. Two thick cut rib eyes. Nothing more, nothing less..
Im not sure if I told you but the “veggie man” at my gourmet grocery took early retirement. I only learned this a few weeks ago and it more than once occurred to me that “Green bean-gate” may have had some impact on his decision but he was as much to blame for that as I was. There is a new and younger man running the produce section and Ive been careful to avoid him so far to let him get his newly charged section in order and up to snuff.

I am singularly focused. Beef.

In an odd moment I suddenly realize that Im surrounded by Stepford wives each wearing the same shade of blond hair and each with cell phone growing like an extra large ear on the sides of their heads. It hit me like a lightning bolt that this appendage was the reason for the perfect blond bob haircut that they all wear! Its carefully tucked behind their ear and that perfect little curl slides right around the phone and keeps it in place. Looking around, I realize that not only am I the only adult not on the phone with blond hair but I also am the only one without that frightening glazed look as they absently ponder the price of heirloom tomatoes or locally grown arugula while soft, relaxing muzak plays.
I imagine they are alien robots all getting their instructions from some giant ship above us and that has them frozen in place. I suspect were I to ram one of their carts, their heads would explode and little springs would come bouncing out. 
Clean up in the produce section..…

On my way to the meat counter I pass the seafood counter. My grocery has a cute little seafood counter decorated with plastic fish, pelicans, fishnets and complete with a never ending loop recording of seagulls playing in the background. 

The fishmonger stands smiling at me from behind the counter wearing a squeaky yellow plastic rain slicker which I can only assume is meant to make him look like a fisherman. I have a momentary wave of pity wash over me as I imagine him leaving the house every morning in his plastic coat, always smelling a little like cod.

Moving my cart closer, he steps forward and says, “Ahoy! What can I get for you today?”
Now, had my alien robot epiphany never happened, I might have just passed him by but again, against all better instincts- I engage. Giving the Captain a friendly smile I think to myself, he has no idea what he has gotten himself in to.
“I saw on The Food Network that one should never purchase seafood that smells fishy..” I say in a helpful voice.
“Oh? I…. hadnt heard that….” the Captain stammers, clearly knowing exactly what Im talking about.
“Mmmmhmmm… in fact they say that if it smells fishy, its gone bad already. Does  your seafood smell fishy?”
He takes a step back eying me carefully and sizing me up.
“Well, I dont know. I suppose it smells.. like seafood.”
I know he thinks hes being clever so I continue.

“Ok, so what about that salmon? How does it smell?” I say nodding to the large chunks of salmon.
He pulls one of those little paper wrappers out and grabs the piece of fish. He sniffs it himself and then presents it to me for a whiff.
I dramatically wrinkle my nose and say, “oohh.. very, very fishy.”
He looks highly offended as he puts back the salmon.

“What about that Tilapia?” I ask.
Again he grabs the fish and we go through the sniff test with me letting him know it doesnt pass the fishy test.
He produces a large swordfish fillet and smells it before he presents it over the counter to me.
“Hmmmm… its… well, its a bit fishy… isnt it?” I say.
He narrows his eyes at me, little plastic yellow hat slipping down his forehead as he plops the swordfish back into the ice.
I believe I can almost hear the cogs of his brain working as he looks over his case of fish and tries to figure out if there is anything that might not smell fishy.

Suddenly he gets a bright look on his face and grabs a lovely piece of orange roughy, sniffs it and then proudly holds it out to me for approval.
“Wow! That smells really fresh! Not fishy at all!”
He is practically beaming with pride as he holds the piece of fish like a bar of gold.
“Shall I wrap it up for you?” he asks.
I ponder for a moment and then smile and say, “No thanks. Im just here for two ribeyes. Have a wonderful afternoon!