He’s sleeping now and still I worry. If his breathing hesitates even for a moment, I stop too. It’s been several years and still, I worry.
Late
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Rant warning: Im old. Im an old woman and Im clearly out of touch with the rest of the world so take this rant as such. I realized this finally, new years night 2020 while flipping through the channels to all the NYE live shows while drinking a very good Sancerre.
Instead of the usual Times Square metal people-barricades, there were little “pens” with planet fitness logos all over them for the few VIPs who were allowed in. Times square was basically empty except for those 8 guys paid to don the Planet Fitness gear and wave their PF swag around in the cold. 
I usually spend new years eve and new years day watching the Twilight Zone marathons and then switch to the “ball drop” right before midnight. But I do remember growing up watching the Dick Clark special. It was music and people in Times Square and fun till the big count down. We liked the show back then, didn’t we?Thursday night, I started with the “Dick Clark” special and just couldn’t do it for more than a few moments at a time. Lets start with the sponsor, Planet Fitness.
Ok, we are in a pandemic so instead of happy New Yorkers and partiers from all over the world, we settled for a larger field of inflatable PF “fitness” noodles flapping in the cold wind with their logos a-blazing. Certainly none of the people who actually LIVE in NYC would be allowed to attend, after all, it is their city. We were told by Mayor de Blasio that it wasn’t safe and people should stay home. Irony was not lost when we were later treated to watching him and his wife sharing a giant stage and slow dancing at their own little private NYE party, Planet Fitness air noodles in attendance.
Switching over to Fox, I was looking for Steve Harvey who is usually hilarious but instead got 2 guys Ive never heard of. Who are Joel McHale and Ken Jeong anyway, and why were they on my television? They were doing this odd thing where every bad joke was clapped at by guest “stars” beamed in from other locations, perhaps because no one live would have clapped? I dunno.JLo who is pretty awesome did a good job but does she ALWAYS have to take a run at the stage and slide her crotch directly into the cameras? Maybe. Maybe she does. Her costumes were cool but what was that silver thing on her head? A cage? A ball? Im old.
I love Cyndi Lauper but holyshit her singing was so awful I had to mute the sound! It was a train wreck so bad, I didn’t want to watch it, not even in slow motion. A tragedy in one part. Cyndi is now older than we are and has clearly lost when it comes to pitch. Maybe Cyndi’s performance was the one 2020 deserved.
Of course, we had to have the freshly scrubbed Bidens do their schtick from their basement because, of course. Here is a man who claims he got more votes than the most popular President in recent memory, (Barack Obama) while being unable to draw more than 17 people at a time in any major city. I think it was a perfect, appropriate and telling sign that their NYE confetti popper was a dud. It reminded us all of when we awkwardly, cringingly looked away all year when Biden mumbled and bumbled to massive campaign crowds of 6 and 7.
But, here we are. Flipping back and forth several times, I came back to see someone called, “Megan Thee Stallion” prancing around in nothing but a flesh colored bodysuit. The “show” amounted to us seeing her constantly rub her lady bits, peer into the camera, grind and lick her fingers. Its a no.
Over on CNN everything seemed to be in order with the usual Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen drinking heavily and trying to be festive so we could forget our not insignificant 2020 troubles. While they have been funny in the past, they seemed desperate to appear happy that night. They spent the evening slamming shots, making faces and chatting with Snoop Dog about all the public places he has gotten high. Martha Stewart was no where in sight.
When “Tiger King” Carol Baskin popped up with a stuffed tiger, I had to take a break, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I did like seeing Patti LaBelle in her kitchen, so there was that.
On an only slightly higher note, we saw Mariah Carey faking a smile during an interview while hearing JLo singing in the background. Well, that was uncomfortable. Then it went downhill when Mariah forgot the words to Auld Lang Syne because, well, it was 2020 after all.
Flipping again, to see the Dick Clark show in New Orleans, we are treated to someone commanding the stage named Big Freedia. A quick google search showed that she actually is from New Orleans which is a plus. I was pleased to learn that she doesn’t care which pronoun is used to refer to her- nor do I. She was born “Freddie Ross” and learned to sing in the church choir. Let me say that Ive experienced many a fun evening watching a good drag show so I appreciated Freedia, all 6’4” of her towering over the stage but again, watching this made me feel like I was an alien watching from another planet.
I get it. Im old. The world has moved on and I have not. I suppose its time for me to retire the TV and learn cross stitch or do puzzles but hey, at least I had good champagne and we get to start all over again for 2021.
Covers
While waiting in line at the checkout I perused the magazine covers and amid the headlines about Bat Boy impregnating Michelle Obama and Brad and Jen’s secret love calls, I saw what used to be my holiest of all guilty pleasures.. Cosmopolitan Magazine. I dont remember when I stopped reading it but after seeing the cover, I had an idea of why. Lets take a gander, shall we?
First headline- 10 Most Glamorous Places To Do Yoga. Really? I dont find yoga glamorous in the least nor would I want to find a glamorous place to do it, were I silly enough (or flexible enough) to do it. Isn’t it supposed to be sort of exercise?
Next headline- PROBLEM SOLVED! Our experts pick your best lip-gloss. This one concerned me a little as I hadnt realized there WAS in fact a problem, so YES indeedy it got me thinking. Of course, that led me to thinking there were actually people on the staff at Cosmo whose job is being a lip-gloss selection expert, solving all those pressing gloss issues. How do I get this job? Huh.
Three smaller headlines- “Get Lillie’s Red Carpet Look NOW!” (Why now, as opposed to later I wondered) and “32 Vegan Soups for Spring” …. Now they were losing me… “Editors Choice for THE Spring Toe Nail Color!”
But I couldn’t turn away without reading the largest one, in bold red letters that screamed: “How to Touch A Naked Man”. Indeed.
Here is how my mind works… First, if one has never touched a naked man, would Cosmo be the journal of choice to seek such information? Would a woman in line with her groceries like me, see that headline and think- “Holy crap! I must purchase this magazine since I was just this very evening planning to touch my first naked man.” I assume Cosmo believes they are doing a public service here.
Do some women grab for their cell phones to place urgent, whispered calls to their BFF’s that we now have a definitive guide for such touching?
Even more interesting to me was the thought that they very likely also have people whose job it is to practice this and get needed data and feedback before penning such an important article.
The things we lost
“What will we leave behind but words and laughter?”
I think when people leave our lives we dont immediately recognize all the things we lose. We lose them physically, yes. We lose the touch and scent of them. Sometimes we lose the things that came with them like a laugh or a phone call or even just the pure feeling of knowing they are here.
Lately Ive been thinking about the things we lose that come quietly later and sometimes surprise us.
I used to get an email from Mom every night. It was a recap of her day, whether bad or good and usually a description of her dinner. Sometimes we would discuss books or TV or music but she loved to write so much more than she loved to talk so that was our connection. Before she got a computer, she wrote me letters, long ones- even though she lived near by. I saved them all. These are things I’ll never lose.
I was trying to remember who my second grade teacher was and why I liked her so much. Her last name started with a P I think and I am stressing trying to remember. I have a photograph of my mom coming to school with me then and a faint memory of her being a “class mother” for the day. Did she know I was so very proud of her? I thought to call her up and ask her about it when I realized this was a thing I lost.
I have a photograph of me, my Mom and sister camping when I was about 5. Mom was lying on a blanket reading a book and looked young and really happy. I want to know what the book was and why did she like it? Have I read it and would we have read it together had we the time?
I remember lying in Mom’s lap one night on a patio covered with trees, with my sister and Dad talking softly near by. My Mom stroked my hair and was quiet. We listened to the cicadas and I was so close I could hear her heart beat. Where did we live then? How old was I? Was she as happy then as I was?
There is a photograph of her and her brothers and sisters which would have been in the 50s. She wore a beautiful dress and a hat. Its a face of hers I dont know and never will. She was young and beautiful and I want to know what she was thinking as she smiled to that camera. Did she buy the hat or was it a gift? Did she know how elegant she looked?
Here is an old photo of her when she was a teen. Its a bit wrinkled but I come back to look at it again and again. Who were her friends and what were their names? Where are they now and do they remember her? Did they share secrets? They were laughing and I wanted to ask her why. Who were the people loading the car in the back? Had she kissed a boy yet or fallen in love? I always meant to ask her.
We keep lots of things when people go. I hung on to all her cookbooks. I have a big box of photos and letters. For the longest time, I kept the sound her voice on her answering machine in my head but that has since faded. She left us with so many wonderful things but I wonder tonight, if she knows the things we lost.
There are still stories she didnt have time to tell me. There are books she read and people she loved and things she saw. We ran out of time and I wonder would we have rushed to share more, had we known? Would we have talked and laughed more even about seemingly meaningless things? Would she have typed faster or written me more letters?
Would I have called her with a list of things she couldnt leave without telling me first?
Maybe, just maybe- I wasnt meant to know everything. Maybe some of these photographs were left behind so I could imagine what I wanted or needed from them. Maybe her smile in one of those photos was because she knew Id come back to it one day, needing more from her. Maybe she knew Id get old, but she wouldnt and so she only shared the important things.
Sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes we think we know but we really dont.
Its only later, when things are finally quiet within ourselves that we fully understand the things we lost.
Men have not found the words for it nor the deed nor the thought, but they have found the music. Let me see that in one single act of man on earth. Let me see it made real.
Let me see the answer to the promise of that music. Not servants nor those served; not altars and immolations; but the final, the fulfilled, innocent of pain.
Don’t help me or serve me, but let me see it once, because I need it. Don’t work for my happiness, my brothers–show me yours–show me that it is possible–show me your achievement–and the knowledge will give me courage for mine.”
– The Fountainhead
Danger
So I shouldn’t laugh at this one but how can I help it? I’ve studied it over and over.
First, lets take a gander at how HAPPY the guy flying OUT of the car looks! Like a happy little butterfly taking wing! And what the hell are those claws on the end of his hands?
What I like even better though is the look of pure horror from the other driver. Does he know a giddy, man-sized, claw-fingered butterfly is about to land on or in his car? He is clearly, the only sane person in this picture.
WTF is “othering?” I dont want a female 007 of any color. How many genders are there today- because Im told its changed since yesterday? What if I, as a cis-het, mis-gender or forget the right pronouns?
Why are people in our detainment centers being likened to concentration camp victims when they are free to leave? No, I don’t want to have a “national conversation” – not about anything. Dont use the word “squad.”
I don’t watch women’s sports- I dont like women’s sports unless Im playing them. Im tired of “isms.” Antifa is a domestic terrorist organization. Not everyone you disagree with is a racist and virtually none of them are “Nazis.” Trump’s tweets make me cringe.
There is no such thing as “man spreading” so dont apologize. Im not going to Area 51. What if Kevin Spacey is innocent? Im never eating ice cream from a store again. We deserve meth alligators. Do we really need a remake of The Lion King?
We already have too many emojis. I need wine. Its only Wednesday.
Dragons
“Beyond this place, there be Dragons…..”
Those words, found on every map more than five hundred years ago, are what the mapmakers wrote at the place where their worlds stopped. When they didnt know what was beyond, its simply what they wrote.
It is the place beyond that lures every adventurer, every dreamer who lives out the lure, every missioner, everyone who searches for God…
I saw that place today and it was familiar.
photo credit: Sandara
Santa Barbara
You see, The waves don’t care that you stand here
They don’t care if you’ve stood here before and might again
They have always been here
and so it will be
When we are gone
– Me
Angels on earth
I meet the most interesting “people” on my travels. Today while sitting outside at a lovely sidewalk cafe, a lady with a sweet dog came by. There was just a huge kind spirit about him that you couldn’t miss. We were drawn to him. He had scars all over him, patches of missing hair and one ear missing. He came right up to our table and SMILED at us.
The lady apologized and we told her we were dog people so he was welcome. His name was lucky. She told us that she’d only had him for 6 months. She was jogging one day and saw him chained with a huge chain, tied to a tree with no dog house or food/water. He had mange and was really thin. She started to feed him some granola and the owner came out and said, “If you want that old dog, take him.” The owner untied his chain and just stood there. Lucky looked up at her and smiled again and wagged his tail.
She told us she is a cat person (4 cats in a small condo) and really had no idea what she would do with this rather large dog. While she was standing there debating in her mind what to do- he jumped OVER the fence and sat down next to her. She said, it was her lucky day because he adopted her. Shes spent thousands of dollars treating his mange, heart-worms, bad teeth etc. and infected ear and then she said he was the biggest blessing to come into her life. She named him lucky of course and she said everywhere they go, people ask to pet him and talk to him.
Whatever it was about him was so memorable. Just a yellow ordinary dog who spent his life on a chain and fate stepped in. I wont forget him.
Being Alexus 