Im buying mushrooms, standing next to a lady who has a sort of glazed look on her face, staring at all the varieties with her mouth open. She looks at me and says, “What kind are these?” Pointing to the white button mushrooms. I said, “those are white button mushrooms” (as the sign was labeled).
She says, “No, what KIND are they? You know like cremini or shiitake… like that…” I said, “Well, they are actually white, button. If you need shiitake or cremini, or even oyster mushrooms and Hen of the Woods, they are all there as well. Its quite a selection. White button mushrooms as well as portobello and cremini are all part of the agricus bisporus species in fact but the name for the variety on those is white, button.”
Thinking she would be quite impressed with my quick response and oddly in depth knowledge of fungi, I smiled helpfully. She stares at me, unblinking for an uncomfortable amount of time before frowning and calling over the produce guy.
He comes up and she says, “Im simply trying to find out the name of these mushrooms right here. What kind are they?” “Those are white, button mushrooms, Ma’am. Oh yes indeedy, they are.
If you dont read the website 27b/6 – you should…..
One of the best articles written by David Thorne. Hes my spirit animal and has an amazing book out.
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account
Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account
Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead.
I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account
Dear David,
Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account
Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account
Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account
Dear Jane,
Yes please.
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account
Attached <spider.gif>
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?
Dear Jane,
Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?
Dear David,
Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th.
David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95.
Please make this payment as soon as possible.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response
Thankyou for contacting me.
I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.
Regards, David.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
Dear David,
As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding.
We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
I understand and will definitely make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
So I shouldn’t laugh at this one but how can I help it? I’ve studied it over and over. First, lets take a gander at how HAPPY the guy flying OUT of the car looks! Like a happy little butterfly taking wing! And what the hell are those claws on the end of his hands?
What I like even better though is the look of pure horror from the other driver. Does he know a giddy, man-sized, claw-fingered butterfly is about to land on or in his car? He is clearly, the only sane person in this picture.
Iron Chef is on! One of the old ones and while I know its Tivo-ing and Im tired, we simply must stay up and watch!! Yes, we must! We must!
This episode is Battle Uni (Sea Urchin Roe) …. (ugh) (blech.) (ewww.) (really???)
And I present to you a heaping platter of Uni.
You will be happy to know that Im blogging with a really fine Cabernet tonight which makes the fact that the secret ingredient is URCHIN EGGS almost ok with me, but not quite. To accompany this: Murphy-Goode Cabernet Sauvignon 2006, about twenty bucks and WELL worth it!
Second glass.
The scene opens with our lovely secret ingredient delivered in baskets looking like some very, very old liver. They also offered up some whole (?) sea urchin(s) which are kind of cool looking black spiky beings but difficult apparently to get the goodies out of. So we watch various cracking methods to the delight of the audience. (yucky yellow stuff is the Uni)
Ive posted this before while watching Iron Chef but I have to say again that they always have one female judge who is purely eye candy and its obvious that the male judges view her with disdain. Her comments mostly are about how “yucky” the Uni looks while they are mixing it up and she giggles and covers her mouth.
She assures us that she does have a passion for Uni though and its a good thing as it looks like we will have dozens of tasty roe dishes prepared before its all said and done.
The only other time they have a female judge is that really old lady who is always grouchy and has a mustache and follows every comment or criticism with: “mmhmmmm.. yes…..” while pointing her chopsticks at the camera. You know the one.
What ever. I pulled this photo off Flickr just to give an example. Try to keep up.
3rd glass of wine.
YES. I added this because I simply couldn’t look at Uni ONE MORE TIME and for the love of all that is holy, doesn’t THIS look good?
Next….Uni wrapped in fragrant lettuce leaves with some avocado and getting ready to be steamed Im guessing. Ive decided Id eat the greens and toss the nasty egg stuff by secretly pretending to love it and then feigning a delicate, lady-like cough to spit it into my napkin for discarding later. Sadly, there is no where on that plate to hide the yucky stuff.
Question: Am I the only one who ever wonders how in the HELL some of these items are discovered for the first time? Who cracked open that spiky thing and realized that the eggs tasted awesome? How did the finder convince anyone else to taste it? Was he trapped in an ocean cave and sea urchin was the only thing he had? These are the things I ponder.
Now we have a sea urchin salt crusted grill… so he buries those lettuce wrapped “unis” (?) in a heavy salt crust and bakes it telling us that it will enhance the flavors of the …. uhhhh stuff.
Here is where I get concerned. An Uni pizza. This bothers me for so many reasons I cant even list them all. Even though Im finishing an entire bottle of wine, Im still worried which means its serious now.
Hes covering some sort of lovely crust in lumps of tofu and plenty of fat juicy URCHIN EGGS, and finally adding a flourish of some odd looking fresh herb… “for color.” Indeed.
Dicing up some abalone which is a shellfish but looks to me like a giant mushroom.
Then we see a big pan of a whopping dose of urchin egg…. sort of bundles, looks like the slices of abalone are going on the top and baked in some sort of dreadful immitation of tuna casserole.
Ok so this shows that while Im a trained chef, Im completely befuddled by some Asian food items.
A wok with scallions, rice wine, sharkfin and broth.. This, Im thinking I could eat. Until he dumps in the unattractive lumps of urchin eggs. Oh yes, the secret ingredient. Blahhh.
If you too are watching, get over the fact that Im skipping parts. Im giving you the highlights according to ME AND MY fine cabernet.
Ahhhhh battered Uni….. fritters?? Well, its chunks of Uni, lightly battered and deep fried. Id say that was indeed a fritter though not one any proud southerner would touch if he had any idea what the HELL was inside it.
4th glass of Cab.
Ive moved on from the actual show and am now easily imagining myself as a judge on Iron Chef. Could I dress as a Geisha? Would I have to cover my mouth and giggle a lot or could I play the grouchy older woman with the mustache? Which would I prefer? Hmmm.. details. Never mind.
What would they do if I was sitting up there on the judging stand and refused to eat anything they brought me?
Iron Chef: I present…. salt crusted Uni!
Me: Errrmm.. Ill pass, but thank you just the same.
Iron Chef: My masterpiece! Uni Pizza with Tofu!!
Me: Holyshit that looks amazing but…. no.
Iron Chef: FRITTERS FOR GODSAKE!!
Me: (here is where I take my chopsticks and put them in my mouth like walrus tusks) and mumble.. mmmm… nnooo… ffrrankkssss…..
Thanks to good living through pharmaceuticals, I missed the allowable window to legally mourn so I hope some of you at least said your goodbyes. Ill share what I remember which is some in great detail and some perhaps induced by really good drugs.
Pre surgery, the surgeon I call “MyGOD-HesMyAgeHecantBeASurgeon” comes by to say hello. All and all, I think this is a good and decent thing to do considering he is going to slice me open shortly and remove a beloved organ. I think at this point its the least he can do. D and I carefully measure him up and decide that he seems ok and while he prods around on my belly he very much seems to know where the general location of my ailing gallbladder is which we think is a good sign.
Why is everyone here so damned happy about the fact that Im sacrificing a major organ for no noble or worthy cause? Even the receptionist who checked us in was happy to see me and smiled so much I wondered if her teeth were those expensive Da Vinci veneers that we see on Extreme Makeover and yes, I pondered the cost of such perfect, even almost chicklet like teeth.
Chippy Little Hobbit Nurse wheels me to the OR wide awake after kissing D and waving at the remaining staff members who gathered like a flock of twittery birds to wave back and wish me well. Chippy Little Hobbit Nurse whispers to me that they do this (send me in wide awake) so I feel EMPOWERED before surgery. I am feeling many things, but empowered is not one of them. Im feeling almost… gallbladder-less.
Learned anesthesiologist- Hippy Dippy Drug Doc (I met him earlier to discuss drugs and “pain levels”) breezes into the OR and says “Howdy Again!! I know this will be a snap for you…” Now I realize this isn’t a heart transplant for GODSAKE but I completely disagree with his use of the term snap.
Snap per Miriam Webster:
Verb
to make sharp, distinct sound as in a crack or whip.
to click as teeth or jaws coming together
to break suddenly esp with a sharp cracking sound.
Im only pointing out that SNAP might not be the utterly appropriate word for this occasion.
He notices that Im not smiling with him so he smiles even bigger and says, “No worries, I’ll give you a little something to RELAX you while we wait for the surgeon.” Is he waiting too? Is this something we share? Should he be out doing other things about now? Is my surgeon MIA?? Here is the point where I wonder to myself exactly what ELSE the surgeon could be doing but operating on me?? Is he making phone calls? Potty break? Is he reading the paper? Does he know that Im lying sprawled and almost bare in an icebox of an OR waiting for him to make an entrance?? Hippy Dippy Drug Doc winks at Chippy Little Hobbit Nurse and she smiles back knowingly.
I love words. Words mean things and Ive made it my passion to really understand their nuances and use them carefully. Relax isn’t a word I would have used once the burning in my vein subsided. Within moments, I realized that ALL is quite right , in fact most certainly, positively- right with the world despite its weaknesses and failings.
My Mom’s favorite poem truly came to mind in large snippets which I attempted to passionately (and I thought, quite generously) share with the OR staff while gesturing wildly, the one free arm that wasn’t taped to a board. I almost sang out: “You are a child of the Universe… no less than the trees and the stars….”
Oh yes indeedy I am!
I realized that I am no less —- but quite possibly
(and even more remarkably….)
ONE OF the trees or stars!
Chippy Little Hobbit Nurse begins to cover me with warm blankets, smiling at my attempts to passionately and clearly orate the Desiderata. Other odd looking beings in masks come in and whisper secretively amongst themselves while gathering instruments that I consider irrelevant to the point at hand which was our collective understanding and group moment of sharing of The Desiderata. Ill admit that I dont like the looks of them but think that my poem may reach out to them and erraidcate any thing that might not be “of the universe”. So I must carry on!
I continue to try to complete my important recitation through a mouth that feels a little full of sand and I lick my lips to go on.. “Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should…” I am now convinced that I, while lying here on this table with warm blankets on me am most assuredly, undoubtedly seeing the universe unfolding as it should!
I am a gallbladder-ectomy survivor.
I am gallbladder-less.
I am SANS Gallbladder.
My gallbladder is in absentia.
Now here is something interesting. I just did a google on SANS and see that it says the word means: without or away.
I think I have selected the proper term for my gallbladder. SANS. Gallbladder … away. Gotta love google for a point well made.
I had meetings non-stop from 8- 2pm. Then I had two back-to-back conference calls this afternoon. I got tied up in a meeting and missed the 2pm call. Rushing to jump on the 3pm call I dialed in and got ready to speak. They didn’t do the usual round table to introduce themselves so I kept quiet until I was ready to speak. I gathered that the discussion was between 4 attorneys and whether or not we could serve a competitor with a cease and desist order on some false advertising they were doing. Now this isn’t my expertise but you can believe I had some thoughts on the important matter.
Here’s where things kind of went downhill.
I spoke up confidently after feeling I had a firm grasp on the challenges, even though they weren’t what I initially thought the call was about.
I didn’t just speak- I orated passionately! I found my voice and realized I had an informed opinion and this meeting simply couldn’t adjourn without my thoughts! All the planets aligned and I felt perhaps it was fate that I had been asked to attend this very important forum.
I spoke of precedence. I spoke about what was RIGHT. I outlined the grounds for our claim. I talked about our need to become more aggressive against these predators! I asked for the team to UNITE against our common enemy! I called for ACTION and DECISIVE ACTION NOW!!
When I was finally done and the call was silent, I thought to myself…WELL AND TRULY DONE GOOD SOLIDER!
I sat quietly reveling in the fact that my comments were quite possibly the defining moments of this call. After more than 4 fairly long minutes of silence from the other participants, the General Counsel spoke. He quietly thanked me for my passionate support of the issue. He agreed that it was time to act.
Then came the good part.
He asked me who I was and why I was on this particular call.
Scrambling, I pulled up the meeting maker on my laptop and realized that I had dialed the wrong conference bridge for my meeting. I wasn’t supposed to be on this call at all! No wonder I hadnt heard about the issue but no matter, I am a COMPLEX woman of DEEP thought and firm opinion!
Fine and dandy.
Here comes the even better part.
I introduced myself and quite gracefully added that I was there merely to provide a secondary input to the matter. I reminded the team that it was always good to get another eye on such an important issue. Then I excused myself letting the other participants know that while I thoroughly enjoyed the discussion, I had much bigger and more pressing matters to attend to but I was glad to be of service.
Yep, yep. Well done indeed. Glad to be of service.
Being Alexus 