Category Archives: This is bullshit!

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Ive been robbed!

Of .50 that is… and I want to know who I can write a letter of complaint to.

The other night D and I were out at a local pizza joint. In the entry way there was a bank of gumball machines and one of them caught my eye. It touted not gum but DISGUISES!! The colorful picture on the front said “Be a Master of Disguises” and showed the several pieces that were available including a fake mustache, tiny beard, side burns, bushy eyebrows and a fake mole. The sign demonstrated all the different looks you could achieve by using this awesome stuff and I knew I had to own it for myself.

(this isnt the exact sign but you get the idea..)

We were seated and ordered pizza but I couldn’t keep my mind off the disguise kit. I imagined myself wearing it to grocery shop… perhaps I would get better cuts of meat from the butcher when he didnt know it was me? Might I be able to read the trashy tabloids without fear of running in to someone I knew? The deal was sealed however when while we were eating our pizza, the boy from the booth behind us peeked around the corner and amazingly.. he was WEARING ALL THOSE PIECES! I was sold.

I insisted D produce the needed .50 immediately and I rushed to the front to purchase my disguise kit. Out popped a little plastic container which was somewhat concerning to me because it was so small. You can imagine my surprise and disdain when I opened it.

I think I shall sue for false advertising! No where (except maybe in teeny tiny fine print at the very bottom of the sign) did it say ANYTHING about each piece being sold separately! What the HELL! Not only that, but I ended up with the WORST piece, the dumb fake mole! No mustache, no beard… two TINY LITTLE STICK ON DOTS.

DOTS.

DOTS is what I got. DOTS.

I give them credit for hiring the little boy to parade around the restaurant hawking their rip off disguise kit but knowing he was in cahoots with them made me even more angry. D practically had to drag me out of the pizza shop before I made a scene.

This isn’t just false or misleading advertising.. its more than that! Its a SYMBOL OF ALL THAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD. Injustice.

Unfairness. SHAM. I did look up the company whose name was printed on the package, thinking to make a phone call and of course, they are in China, as the package stated. I am fairly confident that they would have no interest in a call from me. I am keeping the little plastic egg on my desk WITH the moles in it as a stark reminder.

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The mumbler

Adventures in grocery shopping:

I’ve been watching the checkout lady. Every time she speaks to a customer they have to ask her to repeat what she says.

They lean in to try and hear her and the 3 people in front of me could never quite make out whatever she said so they just nodded.

So of course, I’m prepared.

I watch and listen closely as she gestures at the bags and I say, “plastic please.” She sizes me up. 

Then she holds up my tomatoes, her mouth opens and I realize… She’s NOT actually speaking. She just moves her lips. Ah HA! 

Does she have laryngitis? Cat got her tongue? Is she running one of those secret camera shows?

Well, I’m not falling for her reindeer games. Not me.

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The REAL Iron Chef

Tipsy (or more) Blogging Iron Chef

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Iron Chef is on! One of the old ones and while I know its Tivo-ing and Im tired, we simply must stay up and watch!! Yes, we must! We must!

This episode is Battle Uni (Sea Urchin Roe) …. (ugh) (blech.) (ewww.) (really???)

And I present to you a heaping platter of Uni.

 

 

 

 

 

 


You will be happy to know that Im blogging with a really fine Cabernet tonight which makes the fact that the secret ingredient is URCHIN EGGS almost ok with me, but not quite. To accompany this: Murphy-Goode Cabernet Sauvignon 2006, about twenty bucks and WELL worth it!

Second glass.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The scene opens with our lovely secret ingredient delivered in baskets looking like some very, very old liver. They also offered up some whole (?) sea urchin(s) which are kind of cool looking black spiky beings but difficult apparently to get the goodies out of. So we watch various cracking methods to the delight of the audience. (yucky yellow stuff is the Uni)

Ive posted this before while watching Iron Chef but I have to say again that they always have one female judge who is purely eye candy and its obvious that the male judges view her with disdain. Her comments mostly are about how “yucky” the Uni looks while they are mixing it up and she giggles and covers her mouth.
She assures us that she does have a passion for Uni though and its a good thing as it looks like we will have dozens of tasty roe dishes prepared before its all said and done.

The only other time they have a female judge is that really old lady who is always grouchy and has a mustache and follows every comment or criticism with: “mmhmmmm.. yes…..” while pointing her chopsticks at the camera. You know the one.

What ever. I pulled this photo off Flickr just to give an example. Try to keep up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3rd glass of wine.

YES. I added this because I simply couldn’t look at Uni ONE MORE TIME and for the love of all that is holy, doesn’t THIS look good?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next….Uni wrapped in fragrant lettuce leaves with some avocado and getting ready to be steamed Im guessing. Ive decided Id eat the greens and toss the nasty egg stuff by secretly pretending to love it and then feigning a delicate, lady-like cough to spit it into my napkin for discarding later. Sadly, there is no where on that plate to hide the yucky stuff.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Question: Am I the only one who ever wonders how in the HELL some of these items are discovered for the first time? Who cracked open that spiky thing and realized that the eggs tasted awesome? How did the finder convince anyone else to taste it? Was he trapped in an ocean cave and sea urchin was the only thing he had? These are the things I ponder.

Now we have a sea urchin salt crusted grill… so he buries those lettuce wrapped “unis” (?)   in a heavy salt crust and bakes it telling us that it will enhance the flavors of  the …. uhhhh stuff.

Here is where I get concerned. An Uni pizza. This bothers me for so many reasons I cant even list them all. Even though Im finishing an entire bottle of wine, Im still worried which means its serious now. 

Hes covering some sort of lovely crust in lumps of tofu and plenty of fat juicy URCHIN EGGS, and finally adding a flourish of some odd looking fresh herb… “for color.” Indeed.

Dicing up some abalone which is a shellfish but looks to me like a giant mushroom.

Then we see a big pan of a whopping dose of urchin egg…. sort of bundles, looks like the slices of abalone are going on the top and baked in some sort of dreadful immitation of tuna casserole. 

Ok so this shows that while Im a trained chef, Im completely befuddled by some Asian food items.

A wok with scallions, rice wine, sharkfin and broth.. This, Im thinking I could eat. Until he dumps in the unattractive lumps of urchin eggs. Oh yes, the secret ingredient. Blahhh.

If you too are watching, get over the fact that Im skipping parts. Im giving you the highlights according to ME AND MY fine cabernet.


 

 

 

 

 

 

Ahhhhh battered Uni….. fritters?? Well, its chunks of Uni, lightly battered and deep fried. Id say that was indeed a fritter though not one any proud southerner would touch if he had any idea what the HELL was inside it.

4th glass of Cab.

Ive moved on from the actual show and am now easily imagining myself as a judge on Iron Chef. Could I dress as a Geisha? Would I have to cover my mouth and giggle a lot or could I play the grouchy older woman with the mustache? Which would I prefer? Hmmm.. details. Never mind.

What would they do if I was sitting up there on the judging stand and refused to eat anything they brought me?

Iron Chef: I present…. salt crusted Uni!

Me: Errrmm.. Ill pass, but thank you just the same.

Iron Chef: My masterpiece! Uni Pizza with Tofu!!

Me: Holyshit that looks amazing but…. no.

Iron Chef: FRITTERS FOR GODSAKE!!

Me: (here is where I take my chopsticks and put them in my mouth like walrus tusks) and mumble.. mmmm… nnooo… ffrrankkssss…..

Probably my last invite to Iron Chef?

Bahhh.

G’nite.

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Incident at a dry cleaners

(hat tip to my sister who knows why…)
 
I like to think Im a reasonable kind of person. Im willing to consider options. Im willing to admit when Im wrong. For a chick, Im actually pretty logical. That’s why when confronted with the following situation today- I was completely at a loss for further words or discussion.
 
I stopped by Magic Dry Cleaning on my way home. I was missing a favorite brown skirt from the load of suits I picked up yesterday. Being reasonable, I assumed it was just in their “lost and mixed up clothes” section and they would hand it over promptly when I identified it.
 
Me: Hello! Im missing a brown wool skirt from my bunch of clothes I picked up yesterday. (I present the dry cleaning receipt)
 
Proprietor, wearing a bright yellow “LIKE MAGIC!” tag:  I see. Give me a description? (takes my recipt and studies it)
 
Me: Its brown. It is Jones of New York brand.. wool… part of a suit.. I got the jacket back but no skirt.
 
Proprietor: I see. (Goes to the back where I assume the “lost and mixed up clothes” section is and eventually wanders back skirtless. No, not skirtless… without MY skirt.)
I dont have anything back there like that. Sorry. You must not have brought it in.
 
Me: Well, I brought in 7 suits and 5 blouses… see the receipt? (I carefully point out that the receipt says only: 7 suits, ladies, 5 blouses, ladies.)
 
Proprietor: (Studies the receipt again) I see. Well perhaps you were  mistaken.
 
Me: (getting a bit fired up…) Actually no. Why would they have marked 7 SUITS on the ticket? A suit is two pieces, yes? (leaning right up to his face)
 
Proprietor: (Backing up a little as I began to raise my voice) Indeed, a suit is usually two pieces, some times three… at least mens suits sometimes have three pieces and a tuxedo will have 4 or more pieces (he added knowingly)
 
Me: Yes, so…. using that logic- I got one PIECE of a TWO PIECE suit back. Surely thats NOT the “Magic” part of your name?
 
Proprietor: (frowning) You got a blazer back, yes?
 
Me: Yes. ONE blazer. No skirt. Hence, the problem! (thinking we had a breakthrough!)
 
Proprietor: (a little more firmly, stepping forward again) Perhaps…. you brought in a BLAZER.
 
Me: *sigh* Um no. Its a suit by Jones of New York. Two pieces, Im quite sure of it. I want my skirt. (narrowing my eyes at the man… leaning towards him)
 
Proprietor: (gulping and deciding to step back behind the safety of the yellow MAGIC counter) Im quite sorry but I can do nothing for you. Ill happily call you if the skirt appears. (Goes back to shuffling tickets and papers)
 
Me: (quite calmly I might add… as I lean over the tidy yellow MAGIC counter) I see. Ok. So here’s the deal. Do you remember the story about the lawyer who sued the dry cleaners for ruining his favorite pants? Hmmm? Yes.. very good. The owners of that establishment had to get an attorney just to DEFEND them in that stupid suit.  It cost them money. Much more than my skirt probably did  but I want you to know that if you dont produce my skirt or some kind of deal for a replacement in the next 3 days I will bring a flaming wrath of legal hell down on MAGIC CLEANERS that makes that story look like a bad Judge Judy episode. Not because of a silly little skirt but because you have now pushed me beyond my tolerance level and that doesnt happen often. Im tired, stressed and irritated and I WANT MY SKIRT. (Smiling at him magically…. and taking my receipt back.)
 
Proprietor: Oh dear. (clutching his MAGIC imprinted papers)
 
Me: Ill be back in 3 days. THREE. Make some magic happen. Yes?
 
And with that… I sailed out of there making the plastic MAGIC dry cleaning bags swish,  SANS skirt, with receipt.
 
Ill keep you posted.