– Me, September 2021

Remembering dreams is like picking up small jellyfish—they slip through your fingers—and you never know if it’s a dream you had or if you added to the dream in the remembering.

Sometimes it’s hard to know if you’re remembering a dream at all, or just a dream about remembering a dream.

And if that doesn’t make sense, well, neither do dreams.

– from A Boy and his Dog At The End of the World 

When I seek her, its always exactly like this.

I reached my own breaking point in my job this week. I’m negotiating a $10 million dollar deal and have worried myself into sleeplessness for the last 4 nights. I may get beat this time, and I’m not prepared for it.

There was a huge summer storm that passed us up late last night. We watched the lightning from a distance, heard the rumbling and felt the change in temperature but the rain never came close and our yard will suffer for it.

Much later when I was the only one in the world awake, there were tornadoes not far from here and in my head and stomach.

After dinner tonight, I needed to be alone. D went to see a movie with his friend and I was here alone in the dark with my candles and some really good piano music.

I puzzled over the wine rack – not wanting to waste any “good” stuff on myself and an ordinary weekend night. On his way out the door, D grabbed one of our finest bottles and said, “how about this one?”, grinning on his way out the door. God, I love that man. Wine back on ice, I threw on a summer dress and splashed my face with cool water.

We have some friends, a gay couple who have been together 24 years who are our very closest friends. Both of their birthdays are this week so I got in the car and drove to the market.

I cannot believe its 84 degrees. Last night at midnight it was still 97. I pressed the button and watched the convertible top go down so I could see the sky. What is it about an amazing night like this? There are stars as far as I can see and I’m quite sure that we all are looking up at the very same time.

There is almost cool air blowing and I feel so free and alive I pull the clip that holds my hair and toss it out the window as my speedometer hits near 90.

Living out here, there is this smell of heat and summer hay, and mown lawns and tonight there is something….like electricity.

I decide to change the pace and put on some old Bob Seger tunes and turn it up so the rest of the countryside can hear it.

It must be the cool air. I feel young and alive and wild.

We have a market nearby that has a nice little gourmet section. They sell these wonderful but expensive teddy bears. D bought me one a few weeks ago and I spot the “wife bear” sitting alone on the shelf next to some lovely fresh flowers. Of course I bought her and the flowers too. Its one of those nights and most of my garden flowers are long dead from the heat.

After picking up the ingredients for my famous sour cream white cake, I pay for the stuff and my lady bear and walk to the car with her in my arms.

I feel really good tonight and I’m not the only one. I may lose $10 million on Monday, but I wont think about that again tonight.

There is a lady in front of me in her early 50s. She hops on the back of her grocery cart and rides it down the parking lot hill to her car laughing. I wanted to cheer for her and I cant stop smiling. I needed this tonight.

We don’t get many breaks in late August here. We are the ones who coined the term the Dog Days of August. It hit 112 yesterday at 4pm. Mostly, people are angry and hot and unfriendly as they scrape the melted parking lot tar off their shoes and glare at strangers.

My sandals go in the back along with my bags. There are thousands of fireflies lighting my way on the ride home and I turn up my stereo even louder, singing with Bob, and making up the words when I don’t know them.

I’m brown from the sun and  I’m buzzed from the wine. My car is flying down the dark back roads to our house and I can finally breathe the cooler air.

Some nights like this, I cannot imagine anything better than what I have right now.