Category Archives: Thoughts

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Changes

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I’m not sure when it happened
When I stopped wishing away the days
“I wish it weren’t Monday…”
“I wish it were Friday…”
One day I found myself wishing for something different
“I wish I could hear her voice again..”
“I wish we could laugh together one more time.”
So now i need to learn to live with the days
As they are
And embrace them
Maybe even ration them
Whatever they be called
Because they are so rich
To live them fully
They are most surely limited
Tonight there were fireflies
And breezes
And puppies chasing leaves
And another day
I am blessed to hear
The breathing of my man beside me
Let’s not wish away these gifts
No matter how sharp or biting they may be.
Let’s live them fully.

– Me

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Remember when I told you I dream in color? Technicolor to be exact, at least on some nights. One of the most frustrating things about my amazing dreams is that I have absolutely ZERO ability to draw or paint and I often wish I could do so to depict some of the visual details. Mom used to tell me that I could “paint” with words and so I do but I still struggle to make a “picture” of some of the things I see when traveling at night.

Two nights ago I had a dream that ive had before. I was in a foreign land, in an outdoor market, filled with colorful stalls and people everywhere. Vendors were selling all manner of wares including grilled fish and meats, wines and other goods.


But Friday night, I dreamed I was walking through the crowds and the market was full of every kind of strange being you could imagine. (Think of the Star Wars scene in the bar with all the aliens… )

Anyway, I was just taking it all in when I saw a woman, just the back of her, moving past me. There was something about the way she carried herself and I took off after her to get a better look. From the back I could see that she had the most vibrant purple hair Id ever seen and a massive, fantastical crown that seemed to be made out of living, sparkling, gold coral with tiny gems in it. I touched her on the shoulder and just as she turned and faced me, I woke up.

Here is my attempt to paint her.

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our words

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He stopped breathing.
Those are the words they said. Tiny words but big ones. Huge.

These are not our words David, yours and mine. We have never said those words. We laughed and plotted our lunch for later as we signed you in.

I remember, I held your socks and jacket as you smiled at me and I kissed your whiskers and we thought of later, and later.

Code Blue on the speakers for all to hear, Code Blue.

More words that are not ours. These are not words I know or speak.

And now my heart pounding and the oh-so-slow-motion of a nurse coming to get me. Dropping my bag…clutching your jacket, falling hard to my knees, thinking to scream.
Chaplain…why do we need a chaplain? These are not our words David, not ours. This will not happen to us.

Dark now, a room filled with machines and beeps and buzzes and you there, not a single word…in the center. You feel the same, but where are you now? I dont remember a moment in my whole life when I didnt feel you. People came and went and smiled sadly at me and I knew they didnt understand us. They didnt know us, would never know us.

All through the night, I listened as the machines breathed for you. I watched the screen and your heart beat. I held your hand and in my very worst moments, wrapped in your jacket, I spoke our words.

I said, I love you. I told you, it only works with you. I begged you to come back to me and you squeezed my hand again and again, even when you couldn’t speak.

I couldn’t stop wondering how it was that you were somewhere I could not go.

I slept on your arm. They wanted me to go but I stayed. This is what we do, you and I, isn’t it? And when you wake up, I will be here.

And you will.

– Me

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Women with mustaches and other things on my mind

Went to Target tonight for a few grocery items and when I looked up at the lady who was checking my groceries, I noticed that she had a mustache. Not a faint one, but one that had clearly been shaved and grown back.

I couldn’t take my eyes off it as I tried to make conversation with her. Why wouldn’t she avail herself of the miracles of modern pharmaceuticals?

Does she ever look in the mirror and say, “Hey, I really need to take care of that stubble…” Does her husband ever move in for a kiss and pull back afraid of whisker burn?

I pondered these and other questions all the way home including imagining a full blown home scenario where she lives with a bunch of cats, no mirrors and most certainly no razors.

Its almost 11pm and Im still thinking about this. When she was interviewed for the job, did the self important assistant to the assistant to the regional manager of target who spoke with her find himself distracted beyond reason over the hirsuteness of their future clerk named Amy?

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Covers

While waiting in line at the checkout I perused the magazine covers and amid the headlines about Bat Boy impregnating Michelle Obama and Brad and Jen’s secret love calls, I saw what used to be my holiest of all guilty pleasures.. Cosmopolitan Magazine. I dont remember when I stopped reading it but after seeing the cover, I had an idea of why. Lets take a gander, shall we?

First headline- 10 Most Glamorous Places To Do Yoga. Really? I dont find yoga glamorous in the least nor would I want to find a glamorous place to do it, were I silly enough (or flexible enough) to do it. Isn’t it supposed to be sort of exercise?

Next headline- PROBLEM SOLVED! Our experts pick your best lip-gloss. This one concerned me a little as I hadnt realized there WAS in fact a problem, so YES indeedy it got me thinking. Of course, that led me to thinking there were actually people on the staff at Cosmo whose job is being a lip-gloss selection expert, solving all those pressing gloss issues. How do I get this job? Huh.

Three smaller headlines- “Get Lillie’s Red Carpet Look NOW!” (Why now, as opposed to later I wondered) and “32 Vegan Soups for Spring” …. Now they were losing me… “Editors Choice for THE Spring Toe Nail Color!”

But I couldn’t turn away without reading the largest one, in bold red letters that screamed: “How to Touch A Naked Man”. Indeed.

Here is how my mind works… First, if one has never touched a naked man, would Cosmo be the journal of choice to seek such information? Would a woman in line with her groceries like me, see that headline and think- “Holy crap! I must purchase this magazine since I was just this very evening planning to touch my first naked man.” I assume Cosmo believes they are doing a public service here.

Do some women grab for their cell phones to place urgent, whispered calls to their BFF’s that we now have a definitive guide for such touching?

Even more interesting to me was the thought that they very likely also have people whose job it is to practice this and get needed data and feedback before penning such an important article.

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Angels on earth

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I meet the most interesting “people” on my travels. Today while sitting outside at a lovely sidewalk cafe, a lady with a sweet dog came by. There was just a huge kind spirit about him that you couldn’t miss. We were drawn to him. He had scars all over him, patches of missing hair and one ear missing. He came right up to our table and SMILED at us.

The lady apologized and we told her we were dog people so he was welcome. His name was lucky. She told us that she’d only had him for 6 months. She was jogging one day and saw him chained with a huge chain, tied to a tree with no dog house or food/water. He had mange and was really thin. She started to feed him some granola and the owner came out and said, “If you want that old dog, take him.” The owner untied his chain and just stood there. Lucky looked up at her and smiled again and wagged his tail.

She told us she is a cat person (4 cats in a small condo) and really had no idea what she would do with this rather large dog. While she was standing there debating in her mind what to do- he jumped OVER the fence and sat down next to her. She said, it was her lucky day because he adopted her. Shes spent thousands of dollars treating his mange, heart-worms, bad teeth etc. and infected ear and then she said he was the biggest blessing to come into her life. She named him lucky of course and she said everywhere they go, people ask to pet him and talk to him.

Whatever it was about him was so memorable. Just a yellow ordinary dog who spent his life on a chain and fate stepped in. I wont forget him.